This summer was hard. Possibly more than any other season I can remember, I have struggled with the desire to be chosen, to be noticed and desireable enough for someone to take a risk (or even just a step) to pursue me. I have felt lonely, undesireable, unworthy, and pursued only for what I have to offer, whether it be my voice, my babysitting skills, my listening ear or whatever else. (I should clarify that I know in my head those things I have felt are not based in fact. I know I am loved.)

In addition to feeling the above, I have begun to question some of the dreams I’ve had for my life. I’ve felt urged recently to have faith for big things and pray for the things I believe God has promised, but I have begun to question whether the time has passed for some of those dreams. As I sit with my prayer journal, determined to pray big prayers with matching faith, I don’t know what to ask for. I don’t even know what I want at this point, and it’s hard to pray big prayers in faith when you don’t even know whether you want the answers any more…

A couple of weeks ago, as I sat with my journal and hoped God would speak some massive revelation and give me a clue what to pray, I realized how lost I’ve felt in recent months. I can pray, and give wisdom, and have all the faith in the world for others, but when it comes to dreaming with God for my own life, I’m completely at a loss.

As that realization dawned, with it came the revelation I needed from God…

I am the one.

You see, I have spent much of my life feeling like the 99, left behind in the fold while God goes to look for the lost one. I’ve known God my whole life, and as much as I know Jesus came to seek and save me along with everyone else, I’ve never really felt pursued. I never rebelled or left the fold, so why would He need to come after me?

It turns out, as I’m learning, that one can lose their way and get beaten up by life even when they don’t wander away from the Shepherd. I haven’t doubted that God (and others) love me, and I’ve believed all along that God brought me here and will use me to minister to others. But when it comes to what God wants to do in my own life, I still don’t know what to hope or dream for… and that’s okay for now.

For the moment, I know that I am the one who is cherished and worth being pursued. The good Shepherd has picked me up and is carrying me, so I don’t have to know what direction we’re going or beg him to get me to a certain place. I don’t even have to know what I want or what to pray for. Right now, I simply have to let Him carry me and heal the places that feel broken and tender. At some point the fog will clear and I’ll see the direction to hope for and walk toward, but for now I will rest and be carried and enjoy the feeling of being the one.