Hi friends. I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last wrote. I’ve thought of topics to write about on a number of occasions, but by the time I had a few minutes to sit down with my computer, I was in a different place mentally and the idea no longer worked.
The truth is, the last few weeks have been a rollercoaster. One day I would be filled with hope and feeling as though God was encouraging me to keep asking and knocking; the next (or sometimes later the same day), discouragement would hit again and hope would wane. At times I would feel God’s presence and feel loved by others, and then I’d feel forgotten and beg for some sign that someone remembered I was here.
Back in January, I began searching for options to return to the Emerald Isle, but after looking into a number of jobs and looking into university options (and knocking on every door that seemed appealing), nothing has opened. Crazy tuition rates, lack of qualifications, unanswered emails, etc. have all led to one closed door after another.
And so, I feel the hope that has been sick and on life-support for a while needs to be let go. During the last week or two, I have felt that the time to keep fighting for this hope is finished, and it’s time to let it die and be buried… And so this last week has been filled with tears and grief for all that I felt might have been, all that I felt God had spoken to me in recent months. I have stopped looking for options to return to Ireland, and am trying to open my heart to the idea of the future taking me somewhere else.
If I’m honest, I’m not looking for anything at the moment. I have zero idea what I will do or where I will go in May when my time here ends (unless I extend it into June). For now, I have settled on a hope that I will exist and that my existence will continue to minister to people until my time on this planet is done. Forgive me if that sounds melodramatic; I don’t intend it to be. At the moment I simply need to hold onto a hope that won’t disappoint. I know this one will be fulfilled, and because I still believe God is good and has good things for me, anything extra He does will be a bonus.
In the midst of all this, I do love the work I’m doing here with the students in the gap year program. I feel like I’m making a difference here (despite the days I feel like a fraud for talking about things like hearing God’s voice when I feel as though I’ve gotten that so wrong so often in the last couple years). Despite what my feelings say, I know God is good. Helping others to see His goodness and faithfulness in the midst of trials and uncertainties is a silver lining for this season of ups and downs.
Yes, this season will pass and I will dream again. Perhaps one day God will resurrect hopes that I’m burying right now, and if not, He will give new ones. One day I will be open to carrying those and looking forward to the things He has in store. For now, I will live each day holding onto the certainty that He is good and I will see His goodness in the land of the living, and I will try to let both the tears and joys be a testimony to others of His goodness.
There is nothing wrong with a sabbatical (even if it is enforced by circumstances) that is wonky to start with, and shifts into a neutral zone for awhile. In fact, I think that is the way they are supposed to work — so that you can seek God in that time with no preconceived notions of what He will say and how He will direct. That is really hard, though, for people who have had vision and direction so clearly spoken to them. Use this time to rest, to get exercise, to deepen the relationship with God, and to do some fun things. You are really good at a lot of things, but is there something new you can learn? Pick up a new musical instrument? Calligraphy? Kayaking? Enjoy your neutral zone because it won’t last — God has great plans for you, for sure, and the time will come you will wish you had a little spot of neutral now and then!