Last week, I purchased a plane ticket. In just a few weeks, I will be back on the island I love! Excited doesn’t really begin to describe the emotion I’ve felt since starting to plan this trip. It feels like a dream come true.

At the risk of sounding like someone always looking for the negatives, I have to be honest… As excited as I am, I’m also nervous. Actually, “scared” – though it’s perhaps too strong a word – might be closer than “nervous”.

I left Ireland exactly one year ago, and (forgive me for being overly dramatic) it felt like life was over in some ways. Life as I knew it was certainly different, and I was painfully aware it would never go back to the life I’d loved so much for the past few years.

Now, as I think of going back to Ireland in six weeks, I’m still aware that I am not going back to that life. I am returning to the place I love and will see the people I love, but it will not be the same. I will be a guest in a place where I used to belong and host others. I have changed; others have changed. The babies I once snuggled have grown and will not know me anymore. I will attend choir gigs as a member of the audience instead of the choir.

Will these changes keep me from enjoying my visit or dampen the excitement of the next few weeks? Absolutely not! Is it good to recognize them ahead of arriving back? I think so. An expectation of waltzing back into a life that no longer exists would be a sure recipe for disappointment upon arrival.

I cannot wait to walk the streets of Sligo, Derry, and other places I love. I look forward to loving new places I’ve not enjoyed yet. I’m excited to meet with people and see what doors open for future opportunities. I still feel very much drawn to the Emerald Isle, and part of the reason for this visit is the belief that I am still drawn there for a reason, that my story there isn’t finished yet.

And yet, in the back of my mind lurks a nagging fear that I will arrive and find “home” has moved on to some undisclosed location, that Ireland is no longer “my island”. Beyond that fear stir the what-ifs awakened by the idea, the questions of what then and where to next…

I try to squelch those thoughts pretty quickly when they come. It’s not my job to answer those questions – certainly not yet, perhaps not ever. For now, I will recognize the changes that have come in the 365 days since I left Ireland, and I’ll be excited for the new experiences that await in my favorite place. I will look forward with great anticipation to loads of hellos and hugs. And I’ll endeavor to enjoy every moment I get to spend in the place that will always hold a piece of my heart – no matter where the future takes me.