Recently, a friend was praying for me and saw a picture in her mind. She said she saw Jesus handing me paper and telling me what to write. After some time, he had me stop and throw it all away. Then, He handed me more paper but the same pen. I asked for a different pen and He shook His head, handed me the same one and waited for me to start writing… Oh, and she mentioned that the pen was blue – in case that was significant.

It was.

I’m not sure I’ve written about this before, but when I journal, I have two colours of pens. One is for what I’m writing to God (since my journal tends to be in the form of letters), and the other is for what I feel He is saying in response. For the last two years or so, His colour has been blue.

In recent months and weeks, I have struggled to believe that any of the blue words in my journal were truly what He had been speaking. They seem so far from the reality I’m living in now, and it would be easy to disregard everything I’ve ever “heard” God speak and assume I just don’t know His voice at all. This picture seems to indicate that He has indeed been telling me what to write with that blue pen, but for whatever reason, I’ve now been asked to surrender those words.

In the weeks since that was shared with me, I have misplaced my blue pen… and I haven’t looked for it. I’ve had little to no desire to try to hear what God might say. I have received words and encouragement from others God has sent with a song or words here and there, but have not been motivated to listen to Him for myself. I didn’t understand how I could be so sure of something one week and just toss it aside the next, and frankly, I haven’t had the energy or emotional capacity to start writing the next pages in blue just yet.

As I’ve wrestled with that during the past couple of weeks, I’ve realized that the words I’ve written (and the dreams and hopes they birthed and grew in me) are not the only things I need to surrender. The latest object of surrender is my “right” to understand. There are so many factors that affect the course of our lives, and we can’t know them all. Some things in life we simply don’t get to know, and the sooner I accept that and embrace the mystery, the sooner the next chapter of my adventure can begin.  

A friend told me today that I may get to know some of these things when I arrive in heaven, but I have a feeling none of it will matter when I am face to face with Jesus. So, I suppose even now, in this life when it’s hard to surrender and embrace the mystery, the more I look to the face of my Lord and Lover, the less my feeble understanding will matter.

Perhaps it’s time to find that blue pen…