I came to a realization recently. I didn’t get there by myself, but thanks to a rather difficult challenge from God, I made it. The realization? I struggled to believe during the last couple of years that God hears and answers my prayers, and as a result, I mostly stopped asking for anything.

Oh, I still prayed and requested things on behalf of others. I still believed God would move and do things for them. It was my personal requests I was convinced would be left unanswered or even unheard. My prayers regarding my own wants or even needs took on a pattern of “surrender,” explaining to God why I would still trust Him if (or more likely when) disappointment came once again or the outcome I hoped for failed to be seen.

Nearly two months ago, the nurse practitioner I see was concerned about something and ordered cardiac monitoring for a short period. (I wore the holter monitor for 8 days.) She also referred me to a cardiologist. While those orders were disconcerting, I wasn’t fearful of some major heart issue. I figured after seeing a cardiologist and maybe a couple of additional tests, all would be cleared up and I’d be able to move on with life. My real desire, though, was for the results of the monitoring to come back all good and enable me to cancel the cardiology appointment.

In this situation and others, I felt God challenging me to “Ask for what [I] want.” I wrestled with Him about it. Everywhere I turned, I saw verses urging me to ask, seek, and knock, to ask in faith and keep asking. I countered with verses about seeking His kingdom first. I tried to surrender my own wants and declare “not my will, but yours be done.” I told God again I would trust Him, no matter the outcome and I would simply ask for His best in my life and the various situations I was praying about.

None of those things are wrong. It’s good to surrender and accept that God is good and will bring about good in every situation whatever the outcome. I realized, however, my refusal to ask for what I want in these circumstances wasn’t as noble as I wanted to believe. It took almost no faith for me to say “you are good whatever the outcome.” I know God is good, even when I don’t see the evidence of answered prayers. What took faith was putting my hopes and desires into words and asking. Asking, yes, with a posture of surrender and trust no matter the answer, but asking for a specific outcome I hoped for… that was terrifying. With no specific requests, expectancy for a particular outcome is nonexistent. Disappointment can still come, but is more easily brushed aside when the hope is vague.

And so, I’m learning to ask for what I want again. I recognize the answer will sometimes be “no,” and I will still trust in the goodness of God when that happens. However, I’m once again experiencing the joy that comes when God answers a faith-filled ask with a resounding “Yes!” I was able to cancel my cardiology appointment after my last visit to the nurse practitioner, I received news that a desired visa would be available for my move to Northern Ireland later this year, and I am trusting for other situations I’m praying about to receive positive answers as well.

What are you asking for?