Hello friends.
It’s been far too long since I said hello. The fact that I am writing once again is good news – not just because of how much I’m sure you’ve missed my ramblings, but well, you’ll see…
I have wanted to write during the last couple of months, but motivation has been lacking in a number of areas. The blue pen I mentioned in the last post has continued to remain mostly unused until this weekend.
The truth is, I haven’t been writing because I was depressed. I don’t have a clinical diagnosis, but from all I can remember of my mental health classes, it seems a possibility. For a number of weeks (months?), my time off work was spent mostly in bed staring at my phone and playing games to keep from thinking. I’ve gained weight thanks to my tendency to “eat my feelings” and the lack of motivation to move. I’ve cried far too often, been moody with friends, avoided writing, felt exhausted but not slept well, stopped caring about much of anything, prayed very little and listened to God even less, and refused to allow hope for anything to grow again.
Sharing this now is a good sign that the season’s shifting. My days off this week were spent doing laundry, talking to friends, cleaning my room, and even taking walks just for exercise and fresh air. Last night and this morning nearly two pages of blue poured into my journal, and I am feeling hopeful. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I’m not wishing for it be a train to ‘put me out of my misery’. Dreams are beginning to blossom in my heart, some I’ve had for years and others are brand new and seem totally crazy.
The turning point came just over a week ago when I caught myself thinking some heinous thoughts I finally recognized as lies of the Enemy to keep me down. I took a piece of paper and wrote down all of the awful things I found lurking in my heart – things like “I am undesirable and not worth being loved or chosen,” “I haven’t made an impact, and all my prayer/fasting/ministry is in vain,” “it’s useless to try to find a place to belong because I’ll just be ripped out by the roots again,” and “I haven’t accomplished anything worthwhile. I even had to pay to publish the book I wrote; I’m a fraud.”
Once the paper was filled with all the filth I found buried in my heart and mind, I burned it. With that act, I rid myself of the lies and also surrendered all the things (good and bad) I’ve been holding onto for too long. I walked away from that fireplace exhausted but feeling so much lighter. Recognizing the lies made it possible to hear the Truth again, and despite the Enemy’s few attempts since then to whisper those things in my ear, I am walking into the light of Truth.
Thank you to those who have walked with me, prayed for me, and spoken truth (even when I wasn’t prepared to hear it) during this season. Regardless of the snow outside right now, winter is past; the time of singing has come (SoS 2:11-12).
